I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
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