I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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