He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
