3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
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door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
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Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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