I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Did we literally take a cab across the street
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
