omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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