New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Randomize
