don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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