I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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