goodnight i made you a song goodbye
im six kinds of drunk right now
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
