there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
