One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
