god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
