It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
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