why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
