Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
