So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
