Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
