just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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