I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
