Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Randomize