Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
