god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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