CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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