There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
