I'm going to jail i love you
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
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the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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