His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
