sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
