WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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