Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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