I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
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His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize