His hands were made for my vagina.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
