dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
