I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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