Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Randomize
