but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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