Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
porn star boner night. come get it.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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