You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
