Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
