I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
