Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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