your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
