I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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