WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
