I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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