Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I licked your asshole in confidence.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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