If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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