I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Randomize
