sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
