If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
