hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
