I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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