If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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