You just made me feel so damn special
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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