i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
