remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
