I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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