I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
