3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
