i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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